I don’t usually have my meals delivered. My pizza restaurant of choice is only five minutes from the house, so it’s not a big deal. I figure that if I’m going to wolf down six or eight slices of pure cholesterol, I should at least get some exercise by driving a couple of blocks.

It was snowy one night last winter, so I parked myself in front of a roaring fire and decided to arrange for a speedy dinner drop-off. “Hello, Donatos, I’d like to order two medium pizzas for my family. One with sausage and one with pepperoni and mushroom.”

“Do you have any coupons, sir?”

“Yes, but they are all for a different pizza chain and they expired in June of ’05.”

“Not a problem. What major intersection are you near?”

“We’re just south of 86th and Mud Creek.”

“One moment, sir. I’ll have to talk my supervisor about this.” Then, a long silence. Finally, the boss picked up the phone. “Sir, this is Eugene, the manager. I’ve been doing some checking and I have some very bad news for you.”

“Look, if you’re out of pepperoni, I can get through this. I’m tough. How about meatball, instead?”

“It’s not that – it’s more serious. This is difficult to say, sir, but according to Mapquest you live in a –Pizza Dead Zone.”

“What does that mean, Pizza Dead Zone? I feel like I’m talking to Rod Serling”

“Well, there are four of our pizza chains within 10 minutes of you, but you aren’t in the delivery area for any of them. Pizza-wise, sir, you are nowhere—pizza-nongrata, so to speak.”

“Well, of all the luck. Not only am I a liberal who accidentally moved into a neighborhood represented by Congressman Dan Burton, but now I’ve also been gerrymandered out of pizza delivery. What can we do about this, Eugene?”

“You could meet the truck at the edge of the Dead Zone. Do you know where the stop sign is at the intersection of…”

“This is ridiculous. I get my newspaper delivered every morning. The Girl Scouts and the Jehovah’s Witnesses never have a problem finding my front door. I even know the UPS guy on a first-name basis. If Brown can do something for me, why can’t Donatos Pizza?”

“Look, sir, I can’t make any exceptions. If I let you order a pizza, the next thing you know, the people next door to you will be ordering pizzas. Then the whole neighborhood will want pizza delivered from us. We don’t have time for that. We’re trying to run a business here.”