It’s such a pleasure to finally to be right about something after all these years. I was wrong about Yodels--apparently, they DO cause weight gain). I was off-base about gambling--I guess you CAN lose money in the long run. I really underestimated the Red Sox (twice).

But I was sure right about water. For 20 years, I have been saying that drinking eight glasses of water a day was totally absurd advice and that someday everybody who believed this notion would have to admit they spent a lot of unnecessary time in the bathroom.

All my goofy friends walk around with water bottles in one hand or in their back pocket. They also stick water bottles in their car cup holder, unaware that the hole was specifically designed for caffeinated sugary drinks.

These people must think that when God created man he decreed, “When you are not hungry, don’t eat. You’ll get fat. But, even if you are not thirsty, maybe you should drink a couple of quarts of water. Couldn’t hurt.”

On Good Morning America recently, the truth about water was officially revealed. Even their resident physician, Dr. Tim Johnson, was forced to admit that there has never been a scientific study to support this nutty notion about drinking water. He made a daring statement, so daring that Diane Sawyer almost lost her facelift. He said: “We have no idea where this idea about consuming eight glasses of water came from. Apparently somebody just made it up.” Gee, ya think?

When I heard this, I almost spilled my cup of coffee, which I am pleased to say is 99.5 percent water. But the water wackos over the years didn’t want to include tea or coffee or beer as part of our required amount.

“It has to be pure water,” a nutrition guru friend of mine told me, “or it doesn’t count.” This doesn’t give my stomach much credit for being able to sort things out once everything starts churning about down there.

According to this theory, my grandmother should not have lived to 96. She hated plain water. She did drink scotch and water every day, but she applied the Dr. Tim/Dick Wolfsie thinking on this issue and she only consumed it when she was thirsty. Rumor has it, however, she did get in her eight glasses by bedtime.

Now that my water assertion has been proven correct, I’d like to re-examine the long-held belief that we should eat seven vegetables per day, another bizarre dictum that I contend is pure malarkey.

I refuse to eat that much greenery. My wife once suggested that instead of seeing vegetables as unsightly pieces of tasteless roughage, I should find some creative way of eating them—to make them more palatable. It sparked a brilliant idea. I called it the State Fair Diet. I envisioned it back in 2000 when I noticed how few people lingered at the salad concession.

At the time, I suggested consuming zucchini bread, Bloomin’ Onions and vegetable cream cheese. Still a little short on Vitamin A? How about corn fritters and carrot cake! Oh, and don’t forget the nutritional value of a big juicy pickle. See, isn’t this easier than holding your nose, eating broccoli and downing a half-gallon of water every day?

Wait a second. I just recounted my list above and I’m a veggie short. How about an olive? If Grandma woke up before noon, she had one for lunch … in her martini.