Rushville Republican

Columns

December 4, 2012

Wolfsie: Recipe for disaster

RUSHVILLE — I didn’t go shopping on Black Friday, but I did see the coverage on TV. It was nothing but huge crowds of people pushing, shoving and trampling each other. I told Mary Ellen it was deplorable that children had to watch adults behave this way before I realized it was the wrong channel. I was watching some disgruntled soccer fans.

The only thing I hate more than shopping is cooking, but I needed to do something to get me in the holiday spirit. Why not prepare a meal for my family? I have never been much of a chef. I don’t have the patience to put in a dash of this and a pinch of that. My wife knew this before we got married. Right after our first date she complained to a friend I had no dash at all. She did notice the pinch, however. Women are very sensitive.

In our kitchen, stacked up against the wall, we have about 50 cooking magazines with titles like Bon Appetit, Cooking Light, Cook’s Illustrated, Saveur, and Vegetarian Times. Most of these publications try to lure us in with words like “easy, quick, fast, simple, or no hassle.” I’ve never seen these words on the cover of Cosmo, but I have seen the word saucy.

Another way the editors entice us is with the name of the recipe. For example: chicken and artichokes. Two ingredients, right?  How simple. I looked carefully at the ingredients. The dish should have been named “chicken with artichokes and thyme and vinegar and mustard seed and garlic, and black pepper and cilantro and cumin, and chili pepper and olive oil, and a sliver of orange rind and several spices no one has ever heard of.”  

I don’t know what these people consider simple. The average “simple” recipe had (and, yes, I did count) about 14 ingredients. There’s also a great deal of coating, covering, shredding, simmering, combining, peeling and pulverizing. One recipe required a mortar and pestle. This was a prescription for failure.

I saw one entry titled Auntie Edna’s Roast Chicken. Turns out I needed daikon, radicchio, cremini mushrooms, orzo, a cup of panko, and some gnocchi. I don’t even know if all that stuff is available in North America, but it does seem like a terrible thing to do to a perfectly good chicken.

I was tempted by one recipe called Cinco de Mayo. I didn’t read everything that was in it, but anything that has five times the normal amount of mayonnaise has to be pretty tasty. There was also one called Beer Raised Beef. I’ve never had a problem with the grain fed or grass fed variety, but this did seem like a way better idea than marinating the meat after you buy it. I’m sad to report that I misread it. It was actually beer braised beef. Apparently, I need more recipes containing carrots.

I decided all this prep was way too much trouble, but I had promised to make dinner that evening. When my wife called later that day, I told her what I was planning for our meal.

“Oh my goodness,” she said, “are you really serving that complicated chicken dish with all those herbs and spices?”

“Yes, that’s what we’re having.” I said proudly. And there was a Colonel of truth in what I said.

 

1
Text Only
Columns
  • This column will self-destruct in 5 seconds I've become completely infatuated over the past few weeks with a gift I received a few Christmases ago. It was a completely unexpected gift from one of my big brothers: a set of "Mission: Impossible" DVDs. No, not home videos of me begging my kids to

    April 15, 2014

  • Don't sweat the small things There are a few things in life that really get under my skin, one of which is complaining. Yes, I complain sometimes, but it doesn't last too long at all before I put myself in check. There was a story this week that really touched my heart and like

    April 15, 2014

  • The timeless beauty of wicker No matter what the day may bring, I can leave it all behind when I take my evening walk. Strolling through our historic neighborhood on Indy's south side is a multifaceted treat. It is good for my heart, it erases the cares of the day and it affords

    April 15, 2014

  • Self deposit box I love where I bank. It's a branch inside of a big supermarket. I can make a modest withdrawal and then go and blow every last penny in the cookie aisle. The tellers at the window appreciate me. They know about my obsession with round numbers and und

    April 15, 2014

  • Change can be done here In previous columns I've suggested that one of the factors holding this community back is the relatively poor image many of us have of our town. The point, as some may recall, was made by several people who live in other communities who said Rushvill

    April 15, 2014

  • Second hand rose...or fashionista? "Fashion is an expression of individualism mixed with charisma"....John Fairchild 1940's sensible shoes with a '70's midi-skirt. High waist skirts with over the knee boots. Polka dot shirts with bell-bottom pants. Retro fashion is here to stay, and w

    April 11, 2014

  • Mankind is not causing global warming Back on Feb. 26 of this year, an article appeared on FoxNews.com with the following headline, "Greenpeace co-founder: No scientific proof humans are dominant cause of warming climate." Here's what Patrick Moore, a Canadian ecologist and co-founder of

    April 8, 2014

  • One fine day True story here: a long time ago, a young woman from Cincinnati daydreams of growing up and meeting a nice man, getting married, learning to cook, having two children, etc. etc. Eventually, it all comes true for her. Except it all happens in a major

    April 8, 2014

  • It is time we take back our country What ever happened to the America of my youth? That great country that was indeed the jewel of the common person of the world. The country where one could actually, through hard work and industry, make a good living and actually have the OPPORTUNITY

    April 8, 2014

  • Net tricks My wife and I went on a binge last week. If you think I'm talking about an eating binge, you've never seen how thin we both are. If you think I mean a shopping binge, you don't know how cheap we are. And if you think it was cleaning binge, you've nev

    April 8, 2014

Featured Ads
AP Video
Captain of Sunken SKorean Ferry Arrested Raw: Fire Destroys 3 N.J. Beachfront Homes Raw: Pope Presides Over Good Friday Mass Raw: Space X Launches to Space Station Superheroes Descend on Capitol Mall Man Charged in Kansas City Highway Shootings Obama Awards Navy Football Trophy Anti-semitic Leaflets Posted in Eastern Ukraine Raw: Magnitude-7.2 Earthquake Shakes Mexico City Ceremony at MIT Remembers One of Boston's Finest Raw: Students Hurt in Colo. School Bus Crash Raw: Church Tries for Record With Chalk Jesus Raw: Faithful Celebrate Good Friday Worldwide Deadly Avalanche Sweeps Slopes of Mount Everest Police Arrest Suspect in Highway Shootings Drought Concerns May Hurt Lake Tourism Vermont Goat Meat Gives Refugees Taste of Home Calif. Investigators Re-construct Fatal Bus Cras Mayor Rob Ford Launches Re-election Campaign Appellate Court Hears Okla. Gay Marriage Case
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.