Rushville Republican

Columns

December 4, 2012

Wolfsie: Recipe for disaster

RUSHVILLE — I didn’t go shopping on Black Friday, but I did see the coverage on TV. It was nothing but huge crowds of people pushing, shoving and trampling each other. I told Mary Ellen it was deplorable that children had to watch adults behave this way before I realized it was the wrong channel. I was watching some disgruntled soccer fans.

The only thing I hate more than shopping is cooking, but I needed to do something to get me in the holiday spirit. Why not prepare a meal for my family? I have never been much of a chef. I don’t have the patience to put in a dash of this and a pinch of that. My wife knew this before we got married. Right after our first date she complained to a friend I had no dash at all. She did notice the pinch, however. Women are very sensitive.

In our kitchen, stacked up against the wall, we have about 50 cooking magazines with titles like Bon Appetit, Cooking Light, Cook’s Illustrated, Saveur, and Vegetarian Times. Most of these publications try to lure us in with words like “easy, quick, fast, simple, or no hassle.” I’ve never seen these words on the cover of Cosmo, but I have seen the word saucy.

Another way the editors entice us is with the name of the recipe. For example: chicken and artichokes. Two ingredients, right?  How simple. I looked carefully at the ingredients. The dish should have been named “chicken with artichokes and thyme and vinegar and mustard seed and garlic, and black pepper and cilantro and cumin, and chili pepper and olive oil, and a sliver of orange rind and several spices no one has ever heard of.”  

I don’t know what these people consider simple. The average “simple” recipe had (and, yes, I did count) about 14 ingredients. There’s also a great deal of coating, covering, shredding, simmering, combining, peeling and pulverizing. One recipe required a mortar and pestle. This was a prescription for failure.

I saw one entry titled Auntie Edna’s Roast Chicken. Turns out I needed daikon, radicchio, cremini mushrooms, orzo, a cup of panko, and some gnocchi. I don’t even know if all that stuff is available in North America, but it does seem like a terrible thing to do to a perfectly good chicken.

I was tempted by one recipe called Cinco de Mayo. I didn’t read everything that was in it, but anything that has five times the normal amount of mayonnaise has to be pretty tasty. There was also one called Beer Raised Beef. I’ve never had a problem with the grain fed or grass fed variety, but this did seem like a way better idea than marinating the meat after you buy it. I’m sad to report that I misread it. It was actually beer braised beef. Apparently, I need more recipes containing carrots.

I decided all this prep was way too much trouble, but I had promised to make dinner that evening. When my wife called later that day, I told her what I was planning for our meal.

“Oh my goodness,” she said, “are you really serving that complicated chicken dish with all those herbs and spices?”

“Yes, that’s what we’re having.” I said proudly. And there was a Colonel of truth in what I said.

 

1
Text Only
Columns
  • Spying ways to have vacation fun I have a neighbor named John Campbell, and I am suddenly EXTREMELY suspicious of him.It all started with our summer vacation to Maryland. We made several excursions into Washington, D.C. from our “base camp” in Annapolis. In fact, of the five days we

    July 29, 2014

  • I expect them to do nothing Which crisis is at the top of the list this week? Is it the IRS scandal, the VA scandal, the fighting in Gaza, the emergence of ISIS as a deadly power in the Middle East, the intentional shooting down of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 which killed nearl

    July 29, 2014

  • Word of advice So, what’s the word? Really, what is the word? With over 250,000 words in the English language, you’d think there would be a word for just about everything. Not so. Therefore, I am on a crusade to find a term for some everyday occurrences for which t

    July 29, 2014

  • There's something about Maryland My family unit has just returned from a death march – oops, make that, “vacation” – in Annapolis, Maryland. In spite of constant 96-degree temps (though it dropped as low as 95.7 at night), and the stifling humidity, we had lots of dolgurn fun. Mainl

    July 22, 2014

  • Learning to say goodbye From as far back as I can remember, saying hello has been a part of nearly each day.During my youth, it was used when I met new people my parents introduced me to and was frequently followed by a handshake. I couldn’t count the number of times I used

    July 18, 2014

  • Lessons from the largely forgotten war As we approach the official date on which the First World War started, July 28, 1914, when the first shots were fired by the Austro-Hungarians who invaded Serbia, it’s appropriate to think about the lessons that catastrophic event has taught us one h

    July 15, 2014

  • Please go away My wife is planning our summer vacation, which we will take in the fall. We took our spring vacation this summer. We got behind in 1984 and still haven’t caught up. I don’t have much input into the planning of these trips, but Mary Ellen did assign m

    July 15, 2014

  • Soothing '60's Surf Sounds I’m sitting in my home office enjoying a serenade of rhythmic pulsations emanating from the outside wall. It’s coming from our water spigot. No. 5 son (age 13) and his buddies are using it to fill water balloons. 1,500 water balloons to be exact. 1,5

    July 15, 2014

  • Soccer-stopping Storm a Lousy Treat What a great way to spend a Saturday morning in July: I’m sitting in my car with rain cascading on the roof, lightning skittering all over the sky, and thunder sockin’ it to the atmosphere with such force that I feel a rumbling in my bum.I’m staring

    July 8, 2014

  • Only in America - Top 10 As we move into the glorious months of summer, I thought you might be amused by reading the Top Ten List of what Canadians supposedly think of how things are going in this country. It’s a lot like David Letterman’s “top ten list.”Number 10: Only in A

    July 8, 2014

Featured Ads
AP Video
Fighting Blocks Access to Ukraine Crash Site Dangerous Bacteria Kills One in Florida Workers Dig for Survivors After India Landslide Texas Scientists Study Ebola Virus Smartphone Powered Paper Plane Debuts at Airshow Southern Accent Reduction Class Cancelled in TN Raw: Deadly Landslide Hits Indian Village Obama Chides House GOP for Pursuing Lawsuit New Bill Aims to Curb Sexual Assault on Campus Russia Counts Cost of New US, EU Sanctions 3Doodler Bring 3-D Printing to Your Hand Six PA Cops Indicted for Robbing Drug Dealers Britain Testing Driverless Cars on Roadways Raw: Thousands Flocking to German Crop Circle At Least 20 Chikungunya Cases in New Jersey Raw: Obama Eats Ribs in Kansas City In Virginia, the Rise of a New Space Coast Raw: Otters Enjoy Water Slides at Japan Zoo NCAA Settles Head-injury Suit, Will Change Rules Raw: Amphibious Landing Practice in Hawaii
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.