Rushville Republican

Columns

December 21, 2012

Wolfsie: Lost in space

RUSHVILLE — Last Wednesday night, at 10:43 p.m., I realized I was missing the following items:

1. My garage door opener

2. My keys

3. My reading glasses

4. Christmas presents for my wife

This is the most lost I’ve ever had. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. How about: This is the most that I have ever had lost. Good enough.

I usually post a list on my refrigerator of the things in my life that are presently missing. Then I check each one off as I find it. This gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I am one of the world’s biggest losers, but once I admitted to myself what a loser I was, I knew I had truly found myself; one of the few things, by the way, not lost at 10:43 p.m. last Wednesday night.

THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER: The way I get into my house from the car is through the garage. And I’d have no reason to bring the garage door opener with me when I got out of the car. Ergo (whatever, that means), the garage door opener must still have been in the car. I raced out to the garage, threw open the doors to my SUV and scoured every inch. I never found it. So, now when I get home, I have to get out of the car in the driveway, go around to the side door of the garage, go inside and hit the wall switch, then get back in the car, drive into the garage and close the door, again with the wall switch. This is inconvenient, but at least I know the opener has to be in the car. So it’s not lost. I crossed “garage door opener” off my list.

MY CAR KEYS: I looked for my car keys for two hours. I couldn’t find them. I then applied a similar logic to that of the missing garage door opener. First, I observed that I was home. I further noted that just the day before, I was somewhere else. Then I did that ergo thing again and realized that the only way to get from where I was to my house was in my car. Once again a great weight was lifted (I wish it had been the garage door) and I knew my car keys had to be in the house. I repeated this story to my cab driver all day Thursday as he drove me around town and he did find it mildly amusing. He also found days like this very profitable. Apparently, he has a dozen customers who claim they haven’t lost their keys, just like I hadn’t. I crossed keys off my list.

MY READING GLASSES: Once again, I applied inescapable deductive reasoning to my dilemma. I can’t read a lick without my glasses, but I remembered just hours earlier enjoying a Time magazine article about the TV hit Homeland. So, my glasses were not lost at all; they had to be somewhere in the house. If only I could see, I would be able to find them. The third item was then crossed off.

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR MY WIFE: I shopped early this holiday season and then hid everything. Now I can’t find the cashmere scarf or the wool sweater I bought her back in November. I did find the watch and the fuzzy slippers I stashed in the back of my closet, but those were her gifts for last year. I always buy her the exact items she wants, but it looks like this Christmas I’m a year behind. Maybe I’m just losing it.

 

1
Text Only
Columns
  • There's something about Maryland My family unit has just returned from a death march – oops, make that, “vacation” – in Annapolis, Maryland. In spite of constant 96-degree temps (though it dropped as low as 95.7 at night), and the stifling humidity, we had lots of dolgurn fun. Mainl

    July 22, 2014

  • Learning to say goodbye From as far back as I can remember, saying hello has been a part of nearly each day.During my youth, it was used when I met new people my parents introduced me to and was frequently followed by a handshake. I couldn’t count the number of times I used

    July 18, 2014

  • Lessons from the largely forgotten war As we approach the official date on which the First World War started, July 28, 1914, when the first shots were fired by the Austro-Hungarians who invaded Serbia, it’s appropriate to think about the lessons that catastrophic event has taught us one h

    July 15, 2014

  • Please go away My wife is planning our summer vacation, which we will take in the fall. We took our spring vacation this summer. We got behind in 1984 and still haven’t caught up. I don’t have much input into the planning of these trips, but Mary Ellen did assign m

    July 15, 2014

  • Soothing '60's Surf Sounds I’m sitting in my home office enjoying a serenade of rhythmic pulsations emanating from the outside wall. It’s coming from our water spigot. No. 5 son (age 13) and his buddies are using it to fill water balloons. 1,500 water balloons to be exact. 1,5

    July 15, 2014

  • Soccer-stopping Storm a Lousy Treat What a great way to spend a Saturday morning in July: I’m sitting in my car with rain cascading on the roof, lightning skittering all over the sky, and thunder sockin’ it to the atmosphere with such force that I feel a rumbling in my bum.I’m staring

    July 8, 2014

  • Only in America - Top 10 As we move into the glorious months of summer, I thought you might be amused by reading the Top Ten List of what Canadians supposedly think of how things are going in this country. It’s a lot like David Letterman’s “top ten list.”Number 10: Only in A

    July 8, 2014

  • Government today is way too intrusive What ever happened to the America of my youth? That great country that was indeed the jewel of the common person of the world. The country where one could actually, through hard work and industry, make a good living and actually have the OPPORTUNITY

    July 8, 2014

  • Gone in the blink of an eye Over the holiday weekend I was able to enjoy three days, (somewhat) off work. Three day weekends are always a highlight for me and I am sure most of you will agree.I went fishing to wrap up my Sunday evening. While sitting in the old John boat castin

    July 8, 2014

  • Mum Mum If my grandmother were alive today, she would be 125, and she would still, no doubt, be walking around in her six-inch-high heels, the ones she asked to be buried in—and she’d have a Marlboro in her fingers. She demanded to be called Mum Mum because

    July 3, 2014