Rushville Republican

Columns

October 29, 2013

Thanks, but no thanks

Like most guys, when I walk past the magazine rack at the bookstore, I start to drool. Just yesterday I saw one cover that made me glad I am a healthy, normal male. There she was: perfectly proportioned, with golden skin and a great pair of legs. It was the best looking turkey I had ever seen. Obviously, there are some other attributes of the bird I could have alluded to, but I’m trying to keep this column classy.

At the time, I was looking at Food Network Magazine, the Thanksgiving edition—the perfect holiday purchase for those who don’t have a turkey of their own yet, but who want to live vicariously through others who have enjoyed tremendous success in the kitchen.

The magazine is 218 pages of recipes and cooking tips, including a handful of ads for anti-depressant drugs, which kind of captures the holiday spirit we all feel. One of the articles about preparing leftovers includes a beautiful shot of a bowl of turkey soup. I’m bettin’ except for one poultry little difference it’s the same recipe as the chicken soup the month before. The editor says this is her favorite leftover, but turkey soup is not a leftover. If her first course this Thanksgiving is really turkey soup, she should not be editor of this Food Network Magazine.

Food scientists did extensive research to answer such burning questions as: how many dishes does the average host or hostess serve with the turkey? (answer: seven); do people favor pumpkin, apple, or pecan pie? (pumpkin); white wine or red? (a tie); and finally, how long is it after the meal before everyone is talking to each other again? (about two weeks). Another interesting statistic is that the average American gets up at 9:00 a.m. to begin the preparation for the day. This is certainly true of my wife, Mary Ellen, because if is she is not done with her makeup by 10:00, we can’t make the early buffet at Embassy Suites with our friends, the Haversticks.

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