Rushville Republican

Columns

February 4, 2014

Horsing around in the Chinese New Year

(Continued)

Anyway, using the full natal Four Pillars of Writing Dopey Columns, I have researched as many websites as I could before I smelled my wife cooking dinner, and learned that there are many portents and omens and predictions for this Year of the Horse, many of which suggest that I’m going to have a lousy year.

Here’s a prime example: I read that “the Horse comes galloping from the south to rule the new year.” And this means we should not undertake any major building projects in the south sector of our homes and yards. At first, this sounds like good news for me, as it allows me to give my wife an authoritative and factual reason for not doing the enormous, time-consuming, and physically laborious landscaping overhaul that she wants done in our front yard – which faces south!

However, my wife subscribes to a philosophy built upon the full natal Four Pillars of You’re Full of It, and is going out today to buy me a whole new trove of tools to get that job done – new shovels, a wheelbarrow, industrial-size tubes of Ben-Gay, etc.

Still, I persisted in warning her of further cautions from the Chinese New Year astrologers. I started by reminding her that her parents are avid Tai Chi practitioners, but my torturously convoluted explanation about why that mattered to our landscaping plans was dead in the water when she gave me that look that means “You are seriously dumber than my elbow OR a hot rock.”

She wasn’t dissuaded either by the website saying that, throughout this Horse year, everyone should “avoid disturbing energies in the north with major digging outside.” Thus, the enormous, time-consuming, and physically laborious landscaping overhaul that she wants me to do in our back – and north-facing – yard is still “all systems go.”

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Columns
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