By the time you read this, we will already be several days into the newest Chinese New Year, the “Year of the Horse,” which began on January 31st. If you’re thinking, “Hey, my faithful weekly dopey-humor columnist is a little behind the news cycle,” you should know I have a solid defense, backed by the veracity of experts on the Chinese New Year who I will refer to as “some astrologers.”
You see, I read on the Internet that according to “some astrologers,” this particular “Year of the Horse” will be a “fast year.” Thus, with the horse breaking from the gate so quickly, it’s tough to keep up. (Side note: In light of this being a fast year, I would encourage everyone who sends a letter in their December greeting cards with comments such as “Where does the time go?” or “The year has flown by!” to get to work on this year’s missive snap-cracky!)
Of course, it’s also true that “some astrologers” – at least those quoted on the Internet – apparently can’t tell their elbow from a hot rock. You see, the next Chinese New Year doesn’t kick off until Feb. 19, 2015. That makes this particular Year of the Horse something like 385 days long, which doesn’t sound like a “fast year” to me.
(You know, if us Westerners had years that were 385 days long, I’d be, like, three and a half years younger, which would make me younger than my little sister! Assuming I could convince her to continue keeping time by 365-day years. Which I probably couldn’t because, in my experience, she’s able to differentiate between her elbow and a hot rock at least 95% of the time.)
The topicality of this column gets even fresher when one considers that there are also “some astrologers” who consider February 4th to be day one of the Year of the Horse. Such astrologers utilize the “full natal Four Pillars of Destiny” in their work. This is according to a consultant to the Feng Shui Society, named Foon Chik. Really.