Rushville Republican

Columns

December 31, 2013

A year of laughter...

This is the time of year when I acknowledge all the people who made my job as a humorist a little bit easier. Every column I write—there has never been an exception—is based on truth, something that really happened to me or someone I know, or a story in the news. So here’s a big thank you to…

The old Emily Post Etiquette book I found in my basement that contains some traditional tips on proper manners. Emily advises to never shake your napkin when opening it, which has put a damper on my first magic trick each night at the dinner table.

Muscle and Fitness magazine for featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger who repeatedly states that he loves his MF magazine. Obviously, the publication’s initials do not carry quite the same charm as Gentlemen’s Quarterly.

The European food conglomerate that “withdrew” one of their frozen appetizers from supermarket shelves because the meat allegedly came from retired thoroughbreds. In racing terminology, horses are not “withdrawn,” but no consumer wants to hear: “Effective immediately, we are scratching our Swedish meatballs.”

The fashion design company lululemon. After discovering their yoga tights became translucent when stretched, they issued this unfortunate press release: “The company is pulling its pants down off the shelves.”

The country of Iceland, where apparently too many intimate relationships are between distant cousins. The problem is that most of the Icelandic natives hail from the same ninth-century Viking settlers whose descendants never left the island. (Except those who went to Hollywood to make Capital One commercials.)

Indianapolis Power and Light for sending out a monthly graph showing how much energy you are using compared to your neighbors. I always thought Mort was just forgetful, but he’s so competitive maybe he figured he could beat me if he never closes his garage door—saving $1.49 a year.

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  • I expect them to do nothing Which crisis is at the top of the list this week? Is it the IRS scandal, the VA scandal, the fighting in Gaza, the emergence of ISIS as a deadly power in the Middle East, the intentional shooting down of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 which killed nearl

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  • Word of advice So, what’s the word? Really, what is the word? With over 250,000 words in the English language, you’d think there would be a word for just about everything. Not so. Therefore, I am on a crusade to find a term for some everyday occurrences for which t

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  • There's something about Maryland My family unit has just returned from a death march – oops, make that, “vacation” – in Annapolis, Maryland. In spite of constant 96-degree temps (though it dropped as low as 95.7 at night), and the stifling humidity, we had lots of dolgurn fun. Mainl

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  • Learning to say goodbye From as far back as I can remember, saying hello has been a part of nearly each day.During my youth, it was used when I met new people my parents introduced me to and was frequently followed by a handshake. I couldn’t count the number of times I used

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  • Please go away My wife is planning our summer vacation, which we will take in the fall. We took our spring vacation this summer. We got behind in 1984 and still haven’t caught up. I don’t have much input into the planning of these trips, but Mary Ellen did assign m

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  • Soothing '60's Surf Sounds I’m sitting in my home office enjoying a serenade of rhythmic pulsations emanating from the outside wall. It’s coming from our water spigot. No. 5 son (age 13) and his buddies are using it to fill water balloons. 1,500 water balloons to be exact. 1,5

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  • Soccer-stopping Storm a Lousy Treat What a great way to spend a Saturday morning in July: I’m sitting in my car with rain cascading on the roof, lightning skittering all over the sky, and thunder sockin’ it to the atmosphere with such force that I feel a rumbling in my bum.I’m staring

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  • Only in America - Top 10 As we move into the glorious months of summer, I thought you might be amused by reading the Top Ten List of what Canadians supposedly think of how things are going in this country. It’s a lot like David Letterman’s “top ten list.”Number 10: Only in A

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