Rushville Republican

December 24, 2013

What's to Love about College Bowls? You Name It!

By Don Stuart
Rushville Republican

---- — Here I am, while the rest of the house is fast asleep, figuring out how to record, watch and savor every one of this year’s college football bowl games.

Shouldn’t be too hard – there are only 35 of them this year. 35 games times roughly three hours each will only eat up, let’s see, about 105 hours, which, heck, is less thenfour-and-a-half days.

Really, I ask you – it isn’t demanding too much of my family to buck up and do a few extra holiday chores, is it? They managed to buy their own Christmas presents, and all that’s left now is feeding and occasionally sponge-bathing me in front of the TV to afford me the chance to watch players who will forever be in my personal “Interesting College Football Names Hall of Fame.” Players such as:

Colorado State defensive lineman Johnny Schupp, whose nickname just has to be “What’s.”

These guys can NOT expect to go through life without being asked the backstory of their names, can they?: University of Cincinnati linebacker Silverberry Mouhon; Tulane wide receiver Fudge Van Hooser; Kansas State linebacker Charmeachealle Moore; University of Michigan defensive end Taco Charlton; University of Texas defensive back Chevoski Collins; Ball State wide receiver Cywettnie Brown.

You can’t help but notice what must be something of a minor statistical anomaly on The University of North Carolina roster: they’ve got a T.J. Thorpe, a T.J. Logan, and a T.J. Jiles, supplemented by an A.J. Blue, and a J.J. Patterson. Not to mention, near the end of the roster , a Tim Jackson, whose nickname is, naturally, “Charmeachealle.”

Don’t stay too long in one of those tanning salon beds, or you could wind up like Kansas State defensive back Tanner Burns.

East Carolina University has a DaShaun (Amos, db), a DaQuan (Barnes, wr), and a DaShawn (Benton, db). They also have, in a statistical anomaly perhaps even greater than UNC’s spate of T.J.’s, seven guys with the last name Williams. None of them, unfortunately, with the first name Fudge.

The University of Pittsburgh has a defensive back whose nickname just has to be “Howdy”: Jahmahl Pardner.

Utah State linemen Kevin Whimpey is 6’ 5” tall and weighs 295 pounds. So no one really dares to suggest that he, in a reflection of his name, is “wimpy.” No one that is, but his teammate (and twin brother) Kyle, who checks in at 6’ 6” and 310 pounds.

These fellas sound like they’d be characters – upper-crusty Lords of Parliament, perhaps – on the PBS series “Downton Abbey”: Oregon State’s Cyril Noland-Lewis; Texas’ Carrington Byndom; Northern Illinois’ Cameron Clinton-Earl; University of Minnesota’s Briean Boddy-Calhoun; East Carolina’s Marquise Sherrod-Ponds.

Speaking of “Downton Abbey,” both ends of this Marshall U running back’s name make me think of the perfect footman for the manor house: Steward Butler. Ably supported by his teammate, linebacker Raheem Waiters.

And speaking of characters, Katniss Everdeen would kill, so to speak, to have these strongly-named guys on her side during the “Hunger Games” revolution: Middle Tennessee State’s Leighton Gasque; Oregon State’s Oburn Gwacham; Marshall University’s Amoreto Curraj; UCLA’s Librado Barocio; Ball State’s Carlutorbantu Zaramo.

I haven’t got a shred of ability on any musical instrument, but if I could wish myself some, I’d wish to play, say, the saxaphone, or cornet, or piano, and do so with such skill and panache that everyone would call ME by the name of this Marshall wide receiver – Jazz King

The University of Mississippi has an offensive lineman named Amon’Ta Coffee; he’s 6’ 1” and 275 pounds, which, to my way of thinking is quite a large amount’a Coffee.

The numerical roster of the North Texas Mean Green has the following fivesome collectively comprising an excellent example of awesome alliteration: Number 11- Will Wright; 13- James Jones; 14- Erick Evans; 15 – Mike Marshall; 16- Brock Berglund.

(North Texas must hold the crown for 2014’s most alliterative bowl team, because the roster also includes Rex Rollins, Brandin Byrd, Lairamie Lee, Jamarcus Jarvis, Kaydon Kirby, Ryan Rentfro, Carl Caldwell, and Cade Carter.)

Lastly, the University of Miami coaching staff went back and forth and forth and back on whether to keep kicker Josh Bacon on their team, until one of them made a point that could not be contested in any way shape or form: “Guys! EVERYTHING is better with Bacon!”