Rushville Republican

December 17, 2013

Scraping the bottom of the bowls

By Don Stuart
Rushville Republican

---- — No matter how much you love college football, this is the time of year when you just have to roll your eyes and say “Gimme a break.” Honestly, why in the name of Elvis Grbac (former University of Michigan quarterback) were we forced to wait until Dec. 21 for the first bowl game?! There should be at least two dozen more post-season contests added to the schedule! Or however many it takes for my beloved Purdue Boilermakers (ONE win in 2013!) to be invited to play in one.

Of course, not everyone agrees with me. My wife, for example. She holds the absurd notion that I already watch “too much” football. As if there was such a thing. She was so mad the other Saturday when I spent an entire afternoon pondering why Texas State’s helmets bear a logo of Donald Trump’s hairdo. Turns out it was the head of a Bobcat. A Bobcat with one ugly hairdo.

But this is exactly the sort of knowledge that can only be acquired by viewing a glut of college football bowl games. Not to mention the following fascinating facts, stuff so meaningful that I’ll never forget it. At least until they start airing new episodes of “The Bachelor.”

I’ve been pondering for years how I’m going to make my second million dollars (I decided to just start working on the second million because I was too busy to get around to the first) and I’ve finally gotten the perfect idea thanks to a running back from Colorado State! Don’t steal this idea, okay, but envision a new clothing craze for infants – keep messy mealtime spills off baby’s clothes, in a stylish pant that extends fetchingly to baby’s mid-calf: yes, it’s Kapri Bibbs!

If you’ve read those “Hunger Games” books or watched the movies, you know that most of the characters have dynamic and colorful names; names like those of:

> Colorado State quarterback Gaspar Dominici;

> Fresno State running back Malique Micenheimer;

> University of Southern California tight end Xavier Grimble;

> University of Buffalo defensive back Dwellie Striggles;

Please tell me this guy’s nickname is “Good Times” – Washington State defensive back Bennett Bontemps.

Sponsor stumper: The “Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl” is brought to me by. . .I didn’t know – I never heard of Royal Purple. Turns out it’s a company that makes synthetic industrial and automotive lubricants, using exclusive Synerlec technology. Tell me THAT wouldn’t make a GREAT “Hunger Games” name: Royal Purple Synerlec.

Monty Python’s Flying Circus once produced a silly sketch featuring a character named Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson. (He was a symphonic composer who – well, it’s too complicated to explain, but he hated being nicknamed “Two Sheds.”) Colorado State feels far better and prouder about its status as the “Two Shaqs” school – linebacker Shaq Barrett and defensive back Shaq Bell.

Too bad Fresno State and University of Buffalo aren’t playing the same game; it could’ve given us a matchup of these lineman – James Funk versus Jason Bunk.

Tulane University’s roster is like a collection of “Great Cities of the World”:

> tight end Sydie London;

> offensive lineman Rio Mares;

> punter Austin Righeimer;

> kicker Cairo Santos, K

> defensive tackle Eldrick Washington.

Speaking of cities, how many times will this University of Buffalo wide receiver be asked about the coincidence of where his bowl game (The Famous Idaho Potato with Synerlec Bowl) is being played?: Boise Ross, playing in Boise.

Similarly, we’ve got Tulane running back Orleans Darkwa suiting up for the New Orleans Bowl, which will also be played in Boise.

There’s a Fresno State linebacker with a knack for luring ball-carriers into his clutches completely unawares – he catches them in his Courtney Tender trap.

I wonder how often these guys get mistaken for the celebrities they share names with?:

> Oregon State tight end Tyler Perry;

> University of Minnesota offensive lineman Isaac Hayes;

> University of Buffalo tight end Mason Schreck.

This University of Buffalo running back has all his teammates wondering why so many girls call him their best friend: Diamond Williams.

Would you agree that the only thing missing from this San Diego State lineman’s last name is an extra “M” at the front? – Austin Maass.

Lastly, wouldn’t you have to nickname this guy “Throne”? – San Diego State defensive back King Holder.