Rushville Republican

Columns

March 23, 2013

Wolfsie: Tooth be told

RUSHVILLE — I’m not the kind of guy who sits in front of the TV all night and fiddles the remote control, jumping from station to station, failing to watch any particular show for more than a few minutes. No, I am not just another one of those guys. I am THE guy. Everyone else is a pretender to the throne, although I don’t have a TV in mine. Some people don’t have a remote idea about anything. No one has more remote ideas than I do.

So you can imagine how excited I was when I went to get my teeth cleaned the other day and my hygienist slapped a shiny black gadget in my hand, pointed to the TV, and stuck a probe into my gums. This was too good to be true. Imagine watching Law and Order while slightly sedated, meaning it’s possible see a re-run for the fourth time and be surprised by the ending!

I fumbled with the remote, knowing that my wife could not chastise me for channel surfing; she could not castigate me for skipping right past Downton Abbey. I had, indeed, found heaven during a routine six-month visit to the dental office.

I flipped on the power switch, eager to see how many channels my dentist had subscribed to, wondering if he had opted for satellite, cable or dish. The man was a marketing genius. You can’t learn this stuff in dental school.

The TV came on. I pressed menu and gazed at my choices. It must have been a new service; I was unfamiliar with the programming:

ROOT CANAL

TMJ

BRIDGES

IMPLANTS

TEETH WHITENING

TONGUE PIERCING

DENTURES

Oh joy! Channels I had never surfed, horizons I had never conquered, buttons I had never pushed. This was potentially more exciting than the Fish Bowl Channel or the Backgammon Channel. It almost (almost) made the Golf Channel look boring.

But there was more. Each channel had a submenu:

TEETH WHITENING

1. Symptoms

2. Diagnosis

3. Treatment

4. Prognosis

5. Payment

Movies within movies, stories within stories—a concept made popular by Shakespeare and reintroduced by Dr. Coleman of Noblesville, Ind.

I clicked on ‘Treatment.’ Frightening close-ups of bad teeth filled the screen; visual effects crawled over the monitor, turning a horrid set of pearly grays into a string of Chicklets so breathtaking I was eager to see who the cinematographer was.

More close-ups—so close, in fact, that I never discovered who the actors and actresses were, but I know a good plot when I see one: men and women who neglected their dental hygiene, destined to follow a path down the yellow-toothed road.

My session was almost over, time enough only to surf one more channel. I clicked on ‘BRIDGES.’ I prayed it wasn’t some soppy love story about loneliness and isolation. No, it was not the Bridges of Madison County. It was the Bridges of Hamilton County. There it was, right on the screen:

Real people.

Real stories.

Fake teeth.

I dared not weep, for fear my tears would suggest over-sensitivity of the teeth rather than of the heart. As I started to get up from the chair, Dr. Coleman bounded into the room. “Dick, I just looked at your X-rays. You have a cavity in your right back molar. I’ll need to fill it.”

And so he did. Dr. Coleman is a wonderful dentist. He did a great job filling my cavity. I can’t wait for the movie.

 

1
Text Only
Columns
  • We are still the United States It seems to me that America has in the past had an idea of destiny, one that started at Concord and continues to today. A great experiment was begun with the shot heard around the world. It continued on through the remainder of the Revolution and spa

    April 22, 2014

  • Mail Tales: Of postcards and wishing where you were This week we're going to explore the exciting world of Deltiology. I know that "Deltiology" sounds vaguely scientific, which means some of you are probably worrying that this is another one of my sneaky attempts to foist upon you a poorly researched,

    April 22, 2014

  • An important election this year I wonder if anyone has to be reminded that we're in another election year. The current election season is often referred to as an "off-year" election because it's not a year in which we vote for a president. This will be, nevertheless, one of the mos

    April 22, 2014

  • In a perpetual comma I misplace a lot of things: keys wallet gloves the dog's leash. Recently I misplaced something that may not seem very important unless you read that last sentence carefully. Then you will realize that believe it or not I can't find my comma. Yes it's

    April 22, 2014

  • Crate art Paper labels from 1880-1930, collectively referred to as "Crate Art", are a unique form of American Folk Art. Originally designed to be glued to the ends of wooden crates to identify produce during shipping, the graphically attractive labels are stil

    April 22, 2014

  • This column will self-destruct in 5 seconds I've become completely infatuated over the past few weeks with a gift I received a few Christmases ago. It was a completely unexpected gift from one of my big brothers: a set of "Mission: Impossible" DVDs. No, not home videos of me begging my kids to

    April 15, 2014

  • Don't sweat the small things There are a few things in life that really get under my skin, one of which is complaining. Yes, I complain sometimes, but it doesn't last too long at all before I put myself in check. There was a story this week that really touched my heart and like

    April 15, 2014

  • The timeless beauty of wicker No matter what the day may bring, I can leave it all behind when I take my evening walk. Strolling through our historic neighborhood on Indy's south side is a multifaceted treat. It is good for my heart, it erases the cares of the day and it affords

    April 15, 2014

  • Self deposit box I love where I bank. It's a branch inside of a big supermarket. I can make a modest withdrawal and then go and blow every last penny in the cookie aisle. The tellers at the window appreciate me. They know about my obsession with round numbers and und

    April 15, 2014

  • Change can be done here In previous columns I've suggested that one of the factors holding this community back is the relatively poor image many of us have of our town. The point, as some may recall, was made by several people who live in other communities who said Rushvill

    April 15, 2014

Featured Ads
AP Video
US Proposes Pay-for-priority Internet Standards Wife Mourns Chicago Doctor Killed in Afghanistan FDA Proposes Regulations on E-cigarettes Kerry Warns Russia of Expensive New Sanctions Mideast Peace Talks Stall on Hamas Deal Cody Walker Remembers His Late Brother Paul Grieving South Korea Puts Up Yellow Ribbons Raw: Kerry Brings His Dog to Work Raw: Girls Survive Car Crash Into Their Bedroom Three U.S. Doctors Killed by Afghan Security Yankees' Pineda Suspended 10 Games for Pine Tar Colleagues Mourn Death of Doctors in Afghanistan Ukraine Launches Operation Against Insurgents Obama Reassures Japan on China Raw: Car Crashes Into San Antonio Pool Time Magazine Announces Top Influencers List Raw: Angry Relatives Confront SKorea Officials Bigger Riders Means Bigger Horses Out West Yankees Pineda Ejected for Pine Tar Deadly Fungus Killing Bats, Spreading in US
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.