Voiles: Revisiting the “waste wasteland”

Jan Voiles
Staff Writer

May 16, 2008 12:31 pm

— Voiles: Revisiting the “waste wasteland”
JAN VOILES
Republican Staff Writer
I think it was Edward R. Murrow who decades ago referred to television as a “waste wasteland.” Afraid I’m going to have to agree. Sure seems like the offerings on this noise box as Winnie and Duffy call it, are pretty slim. No, I don’t get the History Channel or Discovery Channel, but I do get PBS which has some favorites.
My question is, “If the programs on TV are so not worth my time, why do I watch them?” Is there some remnant thought from my childhood that regards this as a treat or “new” phenomena? Do I keep watching in hopes something good will come along? Or is it because if I open a book I close my eyes?
Many of the programs have gotten too violent or too graphic for my taste. As in the past, you can tell when the original writers were replaced by network scribes. After a show has been on for several seasons you still see the introduction of celebrity guest stars or travel to overseas locations to re-spark interest.
One show I don’t think I like, yet find myself watching sometimes is the Survivor series. That makes this e-mail from cousin CR very timely. It’s a plan for the next Survivor series. (Please note: I did NOT write this. I’m not a mother – just “Mama Jan” to two very spoiled domestic felines. I’m sure fathers have a lot to do too.) Anyway, here’s the plan.
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and three kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his three kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time – no e-mailing.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7 a.m.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18 to 25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mother.
Somehow this brings to mind the old proverb about walking a mile in the other fella’s shoes – hmmm.
Rejoice.

Jan Voiles can be contacted at jan.voiles@rushvillerepublican.com or at (765) 932-2222 ext. 107. Add a comment to this story at www.rushvillerepublican.com.